Week 2: Tight Ends, Cocaine, and the Survivor Carnage Begins
Well, well, well. Week 2 in the books and Calboiii just put on an absolute clinic in what happens when you love tight ends a little too much. While Mark “PushThisTush” Hockett was presumably busy soliciting fantasy advice in those Denver trailer parks, cal arnold’s dropped a league-record 152.72 points and left the commissioner’s pride in absolute shambles. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.
Massacre on Main Street
Let’s start with the bloodbath. (148.72) and (152.72) both went nuclear, while poor Dylan’s limped to 84.40 points — good for dead last and a one-way ticket out of the Survivor Pool. That’s right, Pickle is officially eliminated, meaning he can now focus full-time on his grievances about Sean “Swan the Bulgy Moose” Sadler. Rest easy on those 2024 championship laurels, bud.
Cal’s week was powered by Josh Allen’s 76.48-point explosion — the highest single-player score of the week — plus a casual 42.6 from Trey McBride. When you openly admit to doing “way too much cocaine during the draft,” apparently the fantasy gods reward you with tight end gold. Mark’s tried to keep pace with Jalen Hurts and Jaxon Smith-Njigba (68.7 points), but 119.96 wasn’t enough against a man whose entire personality is defined by loving Prince, Kanye, and apparently nasal stimulants.
Elsewhere, Mountain Man (129.48) bulldozed brett clayton’s (92.88) behind Jonathan Taylor’s 54.3-point eruption. edged Brad “Vamos” Kano’s 117.86 to 85.62, and Ben Starrett’s (121.58) sent Dylan packing with that 84.40 dud. The good vibes only™ are not vibing for Brad right now, but hey, at least his trade offers remain “completely reasonable.”
Waiver Wire Madness
If you thought the games were chaotic, the waiver wire looked like a fever dream. went full tilt-a-whirl, cycling through Hunter Henry, Pat Freiermuth, AJ Barner, Kendrick Bourne, Kalif Raymond, and approximately seventeen defenses. Mark’s either playing 4D chess or having a full-on crisis — we’ll let you decide.
Mountain Man swapped out Travis Hunter for Devin Singletary, which feels like trading in your Heisman hype for a guy who might get you 7 points if the wind blows right. added Braelon Allen and the 49ers D/ST, while scooped up Rashod Bateman, presumably hoping for a Ravens receiving renaissance that may or may not come.
Prize Tracker
Weekly Winners: - Weekly High Score: cal arnold banks another $24.29 after splitting week 1’s prize with Brad Kano. Cal’s now up $36.44 on the season. Mark, you might want to consider selling that trailer park intel for some extra cash. - Ricky Williams Award (highest single-player score): cal arnold again, with Josh Allen’s 76.48. That’s $12.15 more in Cal’s pocket. Two weeks, two Ricky Williams crowns. The rest of you are just playing for second.
Season-Long Races: - Most Regular Season Points: cal arnold leads the pack with 316.1 cumulative points through two weeks. The $50 prize is still up for grabs, but Calboiii is making a statement early. - Survivor Pool: Dylan becomes our second casualty after brett clayton fell in week 1. Still standing: Amy Ruth, Ben Starrett, blake manard, Brad Kano, Brian Hunt, cal arnold, Mark Hockett, Matt McLochlin, Ryan Anderson, and Sean Sadler. Ten remain, $50 awaits the last manager breathing. - First Player Arrest: The $50 bounty remains unclaimed. Someone’s gotta get into trouble eventually, right?
The $1,240 first-place prize and $200 runner-up purse will be decided when the playoff dust settles, but after two weeks, some teams are already looking at the consolation bracket like it’s their destiny.
Until Next Sunday
Week 2 delivered chaos, cocaine confessions, and cal arnold’s coronation as the early-season king. Dylan’s out of survivor contention, Mark’s pride is shattered, and the waiver wire saw more action than a Limp Bizkit mosh pit. As we head into week 3, one question remains: can anyone dethrone , or is this just the beginning of Calboiii’s revenge tour?
Stay hungry, stay humble, and for the love of Prince, maybe ease up on the draft-day substances.
Until next Sunday,
Famasty